It wasn't meant to be...

You're young, you can try again... it wasn't mean to be.. you were only so far along, you weren't attached yet...

Even without meaning to, saying this to someone who has recently endured a miscarriage or stillborn birth, these words can cut like a knife. When a couple has had to endure this pain, they don't need to be "cheered up" or to see the positives, at least not yet. When the pain is raw and real, they need to hear.. "this friggin' sucks". Period. Acknowledge what has happened, grieve with them, be there for them, and tell them that their feelings are very valid, just don't tell them to move on. Some people naturally tend to reach for the positives in life, and while there is nothing wrong with being a positive person, there is a right time and a right place for a person to hear these words.

While I have not personally experienced the loss of my own child, my closest friends have, and I have been researching a fair amount on the topic so I can better help support them. My nephew Aster was stillborn at 17 weeks gestation on October 9th, 2021 and we are absolutely devastated. Through my research I am discovering that families want their friends and family to honor their child, just as you would with a child who was born healthy. They don't want to by-pass or push forward through their grief because it makes you feel uncomfortable... and they shouldn't have to. We need to be supporting our loved ones, and helping them take the time and holding the space for them to honor, grieve, and process the loss of their child. The same goes for the loss of a grown loved one.

People are afraid of talking about death, when in reality, we are all slowly approaching our own deaths.. everyday. When we start living as if we could die any day, only then are we truly living. Sitting in a zoom call last night with my ladies at DDNBC and Koru Cremation's Ngaio Davis, we were discussing how getting a terminal illness diagnosis can be a "calling card" of a sense. It allows us to truly live. To speak our minds, to repair relationships, to tie up loose ends and leave our legacy. When a death is quick, sudden or premature, it brings with it a lot of shock, trauma and confusion. We need to have these conversations, even if it makes us come out of our "comfort zone" instead of pushing it down or away. When we have these conversations, we realize that the emotions we are facing are natural, real and raw and that it's okay! It's okay to be upset, angry, guilty, frustrated, confused and at peace. We may even feel all of these at one time! But the change we really need to see happen, is in the idea of death. As a North American society, we fear death. We hide from it as if it's not going to happen to us. We avoid planning our own memorials or celebration of life, we think oh how morbid...we don't think of advanced care plans because "we'll get to that later".. my question to you is.. what happens when we don't have a later? None of us know how we are going to pass, but we can sure have a good plan in place for when we do.

People's emotions are understandably raw when they are grieving the loss of a loved one, rightfully so. To ease the pain of our loved ones, it makes perfect sense to help them decide how to honor your passing by pre-planning. Everything from Advanced Medical Care plans if you are in need of medical assistance, and your preferences to things like life support or CPR use, to what color of urn you would like, or what music you'd love for them to play. Do you want to be cremated or buried? Did you know your ashes can become a tree? That there are options that are eco friendly? There are limitless options available for any kind of memorial, celebration of life, ritual, burial and cremation that you are hoping for.. but you can't exactly help organize it if you aren't here.

So I am here, let's chat, I have a wonderful network of death work providers that can help support your choices, and we come with unbias, judgement free, and budget-friendly options for everyone!

~Holly Medina, Chickadee Collective